Hello. My name is Ben, and I’m a doubtaholic.
(pause for the gratuitous “Hi, Ben.”)
I have doubts, real ones about lots of things. I doubt the actual meat content in the hamburgers at McDonalds. I doubt the actual markdowns at the Circuit City closing “sale.” I doubt the goodness of God.
(pause for the gratuitious “You do WHAT?”)
I doubt the goodness of God. It’s true. Sometimes, in fact recently, I have been less than convinced of the benevolence of God. I almost wish it was because of all the bad crap that happens in the world: starving orphans, poverty, fear. Unfortunately, it’s mostly…well, all selfish.
I doubt he’s good because of my continued screw-ups.
“God, if you’re good, then why do you keep setting me up to fail?” I ask.
“I try, I try, I try. I try so damn hard to do the right thing, to please you, and I keep failing over and over and over and over….”
To which, he responds:
“So, you think your doing the right thing is what pleases me about you?”
And I answer:
“Uh, yes?”
“Keep searching.”
“But God I’m SO FREAKING ANGRY AT YOU!!!”
“Okay.”
“BUT I’M PISSED OFF!!!”
“I can handle it.”
Then there’s nothing.
And I’m still angry, but hopeful.
This is, I suppose, more than I had before.
